Finding humor in the little things

People often say, "I don't know how you do it Lisa." or "I could never do what you do." It isn't a choice for me, I have to do it and because I have to, I also have to find a way to cope. I think it must be much like it was in the early days before nursing homes and assisted living facilities... families took care of their own, because they had no other alternative. There was no other choice, so you just "did it". So when faced with no other choice, what do you do? Well, what I do is find humor in the little things, learn to laugh at myself and my circumstances and not to take myself to seriously.

I made a joke just today to my mom's cousin who came to visit, that mom remembered an event that I didn't. This actually happens quite frequently of late.

"Now who has memory problems!" I said.

I know that my memory problems are related to stress and lack of sleep, whereas mom's dementia is from Alzheimer's. It isn't that I'm making fun of the her, it's that I am making fun WITH her. We all have problems remembering things sometimes; just some of us more than others. I also think this helps others accept mom the way she is now. If I take a light hearted attitude to it, they are likely too, also. Mom goes along with this quite well, and doesn't get upset with me at all, and understands full well what disease she has. She cared for her mother who had Alzheimer's earlier in her life, and remembers it.

When it gets hard to "laugh" I cry. No, seriously... I have to MAKE myself cry sometimes.  I will watch a sad movie, or listen to sad music, or read a poem to release the tears. I have a tendency to "bottle" my feelings and that is not healthy. Releasing my feelings through tears heals in a way that none other does, but it's a hard thing for me to do.

Another way I cope is to blog in this journal. Getting it out and down on paper and thinking that I might be helping someone else out who is going through the same thing, lessens the pain somehow. I enjoy writing and always have. Poetry, lyrics to songs, short stories, human interest stories for newspapers... I might someday even try a book! Not everyone can write, I know this, but everyone has something that they do well. Find out what that is and do that!

I also enjoy playing the piano, as does my mother. She was a piano teacher as well as an English and History teacher in high school. My paternal grandmother was a piano teacher as well... so music sooths me. One of my favorite songs to play is the old Shaker tune, Simple Gifts. The lyrics go like this: " 'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free. 'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be. And when we find ourselves in the place just right, 'Twill be in the valley of love and delight. When true Simplicity is gained. To bow and to bend we shan't be a-sham'd. To turn, turn will be our de-light, Till by tur-ning, tur-ning we come round right."

I don't know why this song speaks to me, but it does. I guess it's that in simplicity we find our true selves. In the biggest challenges in life that I have faced... cancer, divorce, house fire, finacial crisis and now my mother's Alzheimer's... it is through simplistic things that I find comfort. Keep It Simple Stupid (KISS) the old saying goes, and it is true. I'm the most stupid when I try to complicate my life.

Some days are diamonds, some days are stone.

The other day mom couldn't remember if my birthday had passed our not. It had not, in fact it was coming up, about 3 weeks away, so I guess that is a good thing that she remember the time of year.

Today we had teenagers at our house, as we often do, because I have a 14 year old daugher. My daughter's friends have stayed pretty much the same over the last 3 years, but this particular day we had a new friend of hers over. The house was pretty hectic, as I had a friend of mine and her husband, and son over too. The mother of one of my daughter's friends came to the door in the confusion, and my mom opened the door to her. She did really well welcoming the woman and coming to get me to find out where the girl was. I am constantly amazed at how well my mom can "fake it" when it comes to acting normal. You'd never know she has Alzheimer's, at first glance.

Later (about an hour) I told mom the lady she had met at the door was the mom of  Melissa's new friend. Mom was like, "What woman?" The person that came to the door looking for her daughter, I said. Mom just looked at me uncomprehendingly. I said, "It's ok, mom we all forget sometimes." These moments of uncomprehension in her eyes are devestating to me, because I realize (or at least I think I do) that she is comprehending that she has the same malady that her mother had and is slowly slippin away. What's harder than her knowing that this is happening (because she will forget shortly and will be ok) is that I know... and I don't forget.

How to cope with the endless, repetitive questions: What day is it? Is this Tuesday? (when it's Friday) What time is it? When will Melissa get home? (her teenage granddaughter who lives with us) These questions are repeated over and over and over... within minutes of each other sometimes. How do I cope with it, you say? Not to well actually. Sometimes I get frustrated and lash out.."I just told you mom, it's Friday!" Then comes the look of hurt and I regret my words. So I try to comprehend what it's like to be her (It might be me some day.) So I remember back to a time when I did a retreat and we weren't allowed to wear our watches to know what time of day it was, it drove us crazy! It was a constant guessing game to know what time of day it was... if we'd go outside for an activity we'd look up at the sky to try to determine it from the sun (might be why mom is always looking out the window?); if we had a meal, we'd try to mentally track the hours till the next one... we weren't always correct! lol Routines were important to us, as they are to the Alzheimer patient... I need to remember that.

A Day in my Life.

My mom lives with my daughter who is 14 (Melissa) and myself (Lisa, I'm 49) in our home, in town and has for the last three years.
For most of her life, my mom and I lived on my dad's family farm southeast of the small Missouri town, Odessa, which is about 35 miles east of Kansas City, MO.
My mom calls my daughter "Lisa", and then corrects herself... everytime, but all the time.
My mom has looked at me in the early morning before being fully awake and called to me, "Mother?"
My mother, at times, looks just like her mother who died of Alzheimer's at 91. Mom is 89.
Mom and dad took care of her mother in their home for a year before moving her into a home.
My mother has moderate (stage 4-5) Alzheimer's, but can remember taking care of her mom who had Alzheimer's from 1985-91.
Mom has hallucinations like her mom did, but unlike my grandmother, mom know's they are hallucinations. I attribute this to her meds and her own experiences of caring for her mother. Caring for a person with dementia seems to have never left her, even though she now has Alzheimer‘s. herself.

Our Saturday morning:

8:00 a.m. (Melissa has already left for a Color guard performance.)
Mom "reads" me the KC Star every morning, or her version of it. Our discussion of it goes something like this:
mom, "Is this today's paper?" (It's laying at her place every morning where I have placed it before I've gone to get her up.)
me, "Yes, mom."
She turns first to the weather page. (every day)
mom, "Ooh! it's going to be bitterly cold today!"
me, "yeah, it's about 4 degrees this morning."
mom, "It will turn partly sunny with a bitterly cold start."
me, "yep"
mom, "There is a 70% chance of snow Monday morning, with a light PM mix."
(Have you figured out yet that she is reading the weather page verbatim?)
mom, "Tuesday it will be partly cloudy and a little milder."
me, "That's good."
mom, "Wednesday we have a 40% chance of rain."
me, "That's good, we need the rain for the crops this Spring." (my dad was a farmer)
At this point, I finish my coffee and move to the stove to fix a breakfast of bacon and eggs (her favorite and what she requests every morning, if I were to let her have it, and at 89 who cares? She's deserved it!)
mom, "It's going to be bitterly cold today!"
me, "yep, mom that's what I've heard."
mom, "It will turn partly sunny with a bitterly cold start."
me, "Sun is good."
mom, "There is a 70% chance of snow Monday morning, with a light PM mix."
me, "good, maybe Melissa will get that snow day she has been wanting."
mom, "Tuesday it will be partly cloudy and a little milder."
me, "That's good."
mom, "Wednesday we have a 40% chance of rain."
me, "Our flower garden needs the rain to bring the bulbs up this Spring."
Mom finishes her breakfast and I remind her (once again) to get her walker as she goes back to her room for a nap.

Later that morning

(11 a.m.) :
me, "Melissa is on her way to a Color Guard performance." (They are always on Saturdays.)
Mom, "When does Lisa get back from her 'thing'? I mean Melissa."
me, "it won't be till this evening mom."
mom, "Where is she going?"
me, "Park Hill" (a well known KC suburb)
mom, "what park?"
me, "Kansas City"
Mom turns to her paper:
mom, "It's going to be bitterly cold today!"
me, "yes mom."
mom, "It will turn partly sunny with a bitterly cold start."
me, "yep"
mom, "There is a 70% chance of snow Monday morning, with a light PM mix."
me, "Finally, we haven't had snow all winter."
mom, "Tuesday it will be partly cloudy and a little milder."
me, "That's good."
mom, "Wednesday we have a 40% chance of rain."
me, "Hope it doesn't flood."
As I put her grilled cheese sandwich in front of her with her tomato soup (as I often do for lunch) she says, "Ooh! I love tomato soup! Did you fix me a grilled cheese?"
me, "Yes, mom."
As I place the soup in front of her I realize I forgot to put a spoon on the plate and know instinctively that she will ask for the spoon.
So I tell her as I place the soup in front of her that I will get her a spoon.
mom, "May I have a spoon please?" (btw, she DOES have her hearing aides in)
me, "yes, mom."
mom, "Thank you."
me, "Your welcome."
As mom sips her hot soup she pulls her "weather page" over to her.
mom, "It's going to be bitterly cold today!"
me, "yes mom."
mom, "It will turn partly sunny with a bitterly cold start."
me, "yep, it was cold this morning, but it has warmed up some."
mom, "There is a 70% chance of snow Monday morning, with a light PM mix."
me, "I wonder if they will have school Monday?"
mom, "Tuesday it will be partly cloudy and a little milder."
me, "That's good."
mom, "Wednesday we have a 40% chance of rain."
me, "We need some precipitation."
Around 1 p.m. mom lays back down for a nap. I start doing laundry and put on some chili in the crock pot for dinner.
Around 3 p.m. mom comes tootling in from her room and sits at the kitchen table where her paper still sits by her seat.
mom, "Do you have something sweet?"
me, "would you like cookies or some banana bread?"
mom, "Cookies!"
me, "Chocolate chip or raisin?"
mom, "h'm... are the raisin cookies like your grandma's?"
me, "yes"
mom, "Raisin."
I place the cookies in front of her with a cup of coffee.
mom, "Thank you."
me, "Your welcome.”
She pulls her paper up to her as she munches on her Oatmeal Raisin cookies.
mom, "It's going to be bitterly cold today!"
me, "yes mom."
mom, "It will turn partly sunny with a bitterly cold start."
me, "yep."
mom, "There is a 70% chance of snow Monday morning, with a light PM mix."
me, "un-huh."
mom, "Tuesday it will be partly cloudy and a little milder."
me, "Good."
mom, "Wednesday we have a 40% chance of rain."
me, "uh-huh."
Mom, "When does Lisa get back from her 'thing'? I mean Melissa."
me, "about 5:30 p.m. or 6."
mom, "Where is she going?"
me, "Kansas City"
mom, "What time is Lisa getting back again? I mean Melissa."
me, "Six."
mom, "Where are my Kleenex's?"
me, "Are you out?"
mom, "yes, my nose is running."
me, "Yes, it does that."
I go to the closet and fetch a new box of Kleenex's. The second this week.
mom, "Thank you."
me, "Your welcome."
Mom finishes her cookies and starts to walk around her walker to go back to lay down for a late afternoon nap.
me, "Don't forget your walker."
mom, "ok."
Mom continues to walk AROUND her walker.
me, "MOM!"
She looks up at me bewildered and says, "Yes?"
me, "Your walker." (I point toward it.)
mom, "Oh, yeah."
She takes her walker and goes on back to her room.
It's 5:30 p.m. and Melissa has text-ed me that she is back in Odessa. I go and wake up mom and say, "Are you ready to go get Melissa?"
mom, "Lisa?"
me, "no, Melissa, mom. She's back from Guard, we need to pick her up."
mom, "ok."
We pick Melissa up from Guard and come home to eat our chili.
mom, "Is there music playing?"
me, "no."
mom, "I hear music."
me, "what kind?"
mom, "like monks chanting"
me, "interesting"
mom, "you don't hear it do you?"
me, "no."
mom, "ok."

We finish our evening meal and watch a little tv, avoiding my favorite shows, CSI: New York, Criminal Minds, and Cold Case. Mom used to love mysteries, but now the blood scares her. It's 8:00 p.m. and mom gets up from her chair and heads to the bedroom.
mom, "I'm tired, I think I'll retire."
me, "Need some help?"
mom, "no, I'm ok."
This time she remembers her walker and returns to her room.
I wait a few minutes and then go and check on her.
mom,"Did you see that man out in the hall?"
me, "no."
mom, "That tall man with the suit?"
me, "no, mom, I didn't see him."
mom, "h'm..."
She walks over to the dresser drawer and pulls it out to get her p.j.'s.
mom, "Lisa, come over here and look at this!"
I walk over and look in the drawer.
"yes?"
mom, "do you see it?"
me, "What is it?"
mom, "a spider." (there is no spider there)
me, "do you want me to kill it?"
mom, "isn't it huge?"
I take a kleenex from the bedside table and attempt to squash the offending bug.
mom, "That won't kill it."
me, "why?"
mom, "it's too big."
I take a shoe from off the floor and bang in the direction she said the spider was.
Mom looks at me accusingly.
me, "what?"
mom, "it isn't really there is it?"
me, "no, mom, it wasn't really there."
mom, "ok."
I tuck mom in bed and tell her goodnight.
mom, "good ni-te"
me, "good ni-te, luv you"
mom, "I love you, too."
I turn on the night light and shut the door for some "me" time. Melissa and I sit down to watch Criminal Minds.
After about 45 minutes, and right at the climax of the show, here comes mom.
Melissa, "Grandmmmmmaaaaa."
mom smiles sweetly at her.
Melissa, "Grumf"
mom, "grumf!"
Melissa rolls her eyes.
me, "Melissa, turn the channel this scene is too bloody for your grandma to watch."
Melissa, "Mooommmm!!!"
mom, "it's ok."
me, "NO, it's not ok! Melissa turn it onto some family channel."
Melissa reluctantly turns to Nick at Night.
We watch a little of Andy Griffith and mom goes back to bed.
At 9 p.m. we turn to a rerun of Cold Case.
At 9:30 p.m. mom comes down the hall (we don't see her too engrossed in the show) we're both on the couch and mom cranes her neck around and sticks it in Melissa's face.
Melissa, "Eeeeekkk!"
mom, "giggle, giggle"
Melissa, "That's not funny!!"
mom, "giggle, giggle"
It's 10 p.m. the news is on. BOTH mom and Melissa are like, "when are they going to show the weather?"
me, "Oh, brother!"
THE END
Laughter is the best medicine.